When I first changed the name of this blog to Seeking Contentment, it was because my life was in upheaval. I wasn’t sure what direction I was going to take or really who I even was for that matter. (If you don’t know my story, you can read it here.)
Before my life took a 180, I knew what my purpose was. I knew that I was right where the Lord wanted me. I was content in a role that I never would have imagined would fulfill me. The almost 6 years since then, I’ve been in a constant struggle trying to find that girl again.
I find myself constantly looking around to see what everyone else is doing. How everyone else is serving others. How everyone else is making money.
I can also see my future and what I desire it to look like. Experts say to visualize what you want, dream dreams so big they scare you.
I’ve done this. I know what I want my life to look like. I’ve been shown several ways to make this dream a reality. I can actually see myself and my family living that life.
I just can’t seem to make it happen. I don’t trust myself to follow through on anything because I always start off like a racehorse then fizzle out and wonder why I feel chaotic and unsure.
I decided last week that I was going to take some time off.
A little background, I started a job at the end of September that I thought was absolutely perfect for me. It was exactly what I had been praying for. Exactly. Every detail.
I wasn’t there for 2 weeks and the doubt started creeping in. Was this just the devil in disguise? Was he showing up as everything thing I thought I wanted? Did I just jump in because it was perfect (or so I thought).
The more discontent I got, the more miserable I made my family. (I have a hard time hiding when I’m miserable and second-guessing everything).
I longed to work on my business. I longed to write. I longed to study and find content to teach and serve my growing audience.
I was struggling, though, because I was caught up in the question, “Why can everyone else do this and I can’t?” Why can’t I make a part-time job work? People everywhere are building businesses while working full time, and I can’t make it work part-time? What is wrong with me? I’m not the only one working while raising a family. My kids aren’t even involved in much. Is my hustle game just weak?
Eventually, with my husband’s blessing (begging–y’all I was a grouch, to put it mildly), I quit. And it was the first time I felt peace in the month I worked there.
Here’s the thing. I am not everyone else. God gives us what we need. I get strength for what I need, you get the strength to live the life you are called to live. I am completely convinced that, for this season, I am to be home.
Home working on my business, being available to my family, taking the time to study and learn and teach. Are some people unable to do that? Yep, but that is where God has them. Comparing my life to someone else’s or feeling less than because I am able to be home does good to no one. I am comfortable to write that now, but it took some soul searching (and heart talks with my sister) for me to actually get there.
I think we have a tendency to jump into things because we are so tightly trying to maintain control that we line up “the perfect plan”, instead of letting God lay out the pieces of the puzzle. We think that because everyone else is doing this or that, that is how we need to do it as well.
I’ve felt a huge calling for years to combine my training from Revelation Wellness, my nutrition training from Precision Nutrition (that I need to finish, ughhhhh), and my supplement business…..but I haven’t done it…..yet.
I am so worried about so many things…..
- Will people like what I’m doing?
- Will people hire me as a coach?
- Do people like me?
- How can I coach when I struggle with weight myself?
- When will I start making money?
- What aspect do I do first?
- How does all of this fit together?
The reality of it is that if God put this in my heart (over and over and over…..I’m a little slow 😉 ), He will make it happen. He will guide my tribe to me. He will take care of our finances. He will show me how all the puzzle pieces fit.
So, I said that I decided to take a break from it all. I’ve pretty much stopped looking at any coaching programs I have. I stopped getting into the training groups I’m a part of. I have limited my time on social media. I have increased the time I’m spending in my Bible and in prayer. I’m reading a ton of different kinds of books; self-development, devotionals, business…..you name it, it’s on my list.
Even just a week in, I’m feeling peace like I haven’t felt in a long time.
I’m done with feeling guilty that I’m not reaching others’ timelines for me. I’m done with trying to do things quickly. I’m done with trying to see what everyone else is doing that worked so fast for them. I’m done with wondering if people are correct when they tell me I’m doing it wrong.
I’m working it out for myself. I know that I have value to give. I know that I have a servant’s heart. I know that the things I’ve learned over the past few years are absolutely needed and life-changing. I know that I love to learn and that I will never stop trying to find new ways to add value to any audience God brings me, but I will learn for the knowledge…..not to adapt someone else’s journey into my own.
One of the things that I hear often about people with an online presence is to put yourself in the shoes of those who you are trying to reach.
- Do you like you?
- Would you follow you?
- Do you inspire you with your content?
- Would you work with you?
I can honestly say that, yes, I would. I like me. I like what I have to offer. It may take me a long time and lots of trial and error (instead of someone else’s fast start), but I’m ok with that. I’m done apologizing. I’m done feeling guilty.
I am going to find my way and follow it. I’m seeing consistent blogs, Facebook lives, coaching programs (faith THEN fitness), loads of inspiration on my Facebook page, maybe even some YouTube.
I know that I’m capable. I am confident that this is the Lord’s calling on my life. I’m surrendering control. I’m not trying to lay the puzzle pieces anymore. I’m following my peace. I’m done chasing shiny objects.
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It’s been a very long time since I was in a good place. I’ve been happy, but not content. Not feeling like I was absolutely where God wants me. Though I may stand alone, I will stand. I believe with all that I am that the world needs what I have been trained to offer and I will no longer hold it in for fear of rejection. Love > fear!
I read a quote this morning that said that happiness depends on circumstances, but joy is something you choose because you know that God is ultimately in control. I will choose JOY as I plow through this territory that is unknown to me; as I figure things out and have setbacks. I will choose joy when things don’t go my way. I will run the race set before me. I will share my struggles as I get back to my best self; physically, emotionally, and mentally.
This is such a great place to be, I’m excited to see where this takes me.
Are you content with where you are in life? Is God calling you to make changes and you are stuck out of fear? What is holding you back?