It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling to find my purpose in life. With the exception of my 2nd oldest, all of my children will be back in school soon and I find myself with lots of “free” time. Even with having the 2nd oldest home, much of her schooling will be student-led, so that still leaves me with time.
While I feel that quitting my job in April was the best move for my family, I am finding my next move to be a struggle. I quit with the intention of being able to work from home so that I could have the flexibility that I desire, however, discovering what I actually want to do from home is difficult. Like I’ve shared before, I jump from this thing to that without ever really putting in enough effort for anything to be successful.
I have always known that I am a control freak. This is something that I’ve had to consciously work on with regard to my relationships, running my home, etc. It is so hard for me to just let things happen. I want things to happen yesterday.
I am realizing that I also want stuff to happen with no time invested on my part. I don’t want to have to put in time for results to be visible. I crave immediate results. That’s why I am constantly drawn to the people that offer guaranteed success if you follow their 5 step program. Or why I am always considering going back to an outside of the home job because you go there, do your assigned work, go home, and get paid…..no waiting around, no risk….do the work this week, get paid next week. Done. Simple.
At the end of the day, it makes me question my motives. I want to make money. I told my husband that when I quit my job, I’d work from home and make money. I’m not (yet anyway). And while he’s never brought it up, I constantly feel guilty that I’m not contributing to family finances. Yes, we are fine. Yes, our bills are paid. Yes, we have tons of stuff that we don’t need. Yes, we have a little extra to do the fun stuff. So why am I so obsessed with this money thing?
I tell myself that I’m wanting to do this or that work from home opportunity to help others, but in the back of my mind, I am constantly deciding if it is worth the time based on how fast I can monetize it and how much it will make me.
My husband’s job is very physically demanding and I see all of these stories of women being able to retire their husbands from their jobs. They give them the opportunity to be financially free to chase their dreams. I want to do that. But why?
Is my goal actually for my husband or is it to give him the ability to tell everyone how wonderful I am? Am I trying to buy his love? Do I really want money or do I want everyone to praise me because of the wonderful things that I’ve done?
These realities are so hard to swallow. I really do love helping and encouraging people. Can’t that be enough? Can’t I blog to encourage and if I make money in the process just be grateful for what I’m given, regardless of the amount? Can’t I share my other business with the mindset of blessing people without being disappointed if others aren’t as excited about it as I am?
I was once at a point in my life where money was non-existent. I was bored. I felt that my days were slowly wasting away with nothing to show for them. I was convicted to devote my extreme free time to getting into God’s word and praying. I was convicted to work on myself and fix what was wrong in me. I can honestly say that was one of the best times in my life.
I was not in control. I was living like I knew God wanted me to….totally surrendered and in tune with his calling. I had an incredible peace within my soul. My words flowed freely on this blog because I was sharing what the Lord was showing me to encourage others to do the same, without hope of monetary gain. I followed God’s lead and He provided monetarily.
I am desperate to get back to that place. Deep in my heart, I know why business things aren’t panning out. I am fighting for control. I am trying to make things happen that I think are what I want or need without consulting the One who actually controls my days. I am trying to win approval of others by being the overnight success that so many people claim to be. I am seeking to be the one that receives the glory for what is happening in my life, when in reality, I, myself, am capable of nothing.
My life, as a Christian, is supposed to be about following God and bringing Him the glory. I am a control freak and attention seeker. It’s not even about the money, it’s about seeking praise from others about how much they want to be like me.
That hurts to even type that.
All of the opportunities that I have at my fingertips right now have money making potential, but if that is my focus, I miss the whole point.
This world is in trouble. I want my words to have meaning. I want to encourage others to do life God’s way. I do not want to be focused on how money can bring me love or admiration from others. If that is my goal, I will never have enough money, regardless of how much I make.
My focus is shifting. What I’m doing isn’t working. I am going to, once again, focus on fixing me. I want what breaks God’s heart to break mine.
I want to forget about the money and look to what God desires for me. I know that I have a story to tell. I know that I can encourage others that have had the same struggles that I’ve had.
I have had this feeling for a while that there is something big in store for me……and it drives me crazy that I don’t know what it is. I am done chasing whatever it is. I am fully aware that, at this time in my life, I am not ready to accept whatever God’s call is in my life. I need to shift my focus to Him and work on me. When my heart is in the right place, He will move. He will make things happen in my life. Until then, I’m letting go of the reins. I’m surrendering control. I will be thankful for what I have and be a good steward of the blessings that I’ve been given.
I don’t know what the next thing is in my life. I’m excited knowing that God has plans for me…..I’m still here, so obviously I still have a purpose to fulfill. I am going to laser focus on getting my heart right and patiently wait for God’s to show me what my purpose is. I know that if my hands are clenched in control, my palms are not open ready to receive blessings.
Are you stuck in a place that you don’t know what you should be doing in your life? Are your motives clear or are you searching for worldly gain…..money or recognition? Are you ready to laser focus on God and get your heart right so that you are able to receive whatever it is that He has for you?
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This post was shared on “A Wise Woman Builds Her Home” blog.