I haven’t gotten on a scale in a few months. The last time that I did, it was only so that I had a reference point. I knew that I had weight to lose, and I knew that it was significant, so the number really didn’t matter I just wanted to know what it was. I’m guessing that it was probably around November.
Starting the end of November beginning of December, I began working out 5 days a week consistently. As I mentioned before, I don’t work out easy. I like all out, hard core working out. I also started eating better than I was. I’ve been incorporating healthy whole food and watching portion sizes. My diet definitely hasn’t been perfect, but it’s been better.
I have noticed that I’m gaining a small amount of definition (small, like I’m probably the only one that even can notice it) and that my clothes are fitting a little better. Not at all what I’ve hoped for 2 months in, but I’m in this for the long haul this time. The weight didn’t come on overnight, it won’t leave overnight.
For some reason yesterday, I decided that I was going to weigh myself. Like I said, tiny little changes are happening and it’s been 2 months……something has to have happened, weight wise too, right??!!
I gained 3 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!
Whaaaaaa???!!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS SO STUPID, LET’S GO HAVE CAKE!!!!
Immediately, I was irritated. All of this work trying to meal plan, not missing a workout, doing all of the heart cleaning out…….I am failing……again…….
My thoughts immediately went to: You’re not good enough, you will never get this, you are just fat, you shouldn’t have had that snack, you fail everything you try to do, etc, etc, etc………
I let that thought process run through my mind for a minute but that was enough. I knew that I needed to take the stinking thoughts captive.
When you feel disappointed, ripped off, or gypped, be quick to notice – that’s a lie and it doesn’t come from God. ~Alisa Keeton
It’s not God telling me that I’m fat, ugly, not enough, or less than. His thoughts of me are not that I’m lazy or that I’ll never be enough. They are lies that the enemy feeds me to keep me stuck and unable to help point others toward the Lord. Until I get all of that out of my head and heart, I won’t be whole; regardless of the physical weight that I lose or don’t lose.
This is a quote from the devotion yesterday from the challenge I’m in with Revelation Wellness. So fitting for what was going on with me yesterday…..
If you are frustrated at all by how much change you have or have not seen or felt, be patient, and grow strong in your waiting. God is building you up. ~Alisa Keeton
Be patient, God is building you up. He’s still working in you. You still have gunk to get out. Everything is a process, stop looking for the easy way out.
In the past, I have looked for the quick road. I give up before I even have a chance at a breakthrough. I don’t know if it’s because of what I will find if I stick it out or if I don’t feel worthy or deserving to live a happy whole life. I think part of me quits early because I don’t believe that I am worth being in shape, wealthy, comfortable, etc. It’s like I feel that to live a Christian life well, you must be somehow boring. Like you can’t be loud and crazy and excited to celebrate your victories or like looking good in your clothes and making money is somehow ‘anti-Christian’.
As much as I’ve sabotaged my efforts for the very things that will set me free, the Lord is changing me. He’s showing me that all of these things that I’ve been scared of letting myself achieve have actually become like idols to me. I think the idol is the struggle itself…..I am hoping that achievement will make me better but also feeling like actually getting to where I want to be will solve my worth issues so I sabotage, in the name of keeping myself humble, because that’s being a “good Christian”, right?
I want to lose weight– but then I tell myself that I won’t because my body will become an idol.
I want to make money, but then I tell myself that if I do, I will come to worship it and that is a sin.
I want to become a successful blogger/business owner, but if I do, I will become conceited that others are looking to me for help or guidance.
I am shutting myself down before I ever achieve anything. God is showing me that all these things can be good when achieved according to His will and for His purpose. With His strength and power, I can be whole and live out my life’s purpose without ever becoming this person that scares me. I need to turn to Him and let Him fill the holes in my heart that are only meant for Him anyway and I won’t have to worry about turning to body, money, or fame worship. If I am focused on Him, He will be enough…..the rest will just help me to show Him to others by way of sharing my journey.
I’ve thought a lot about that number on my scale over the last 24 hours. It is just different this time. While I was disappointed, my thoughts very quickly turned to “It’s ok, you are not quitting this time. Regardless of what that says, you are enough. You are stronger for working out every day. You are helping your body heal from years of bad choices with each healthy meal you eat. This is not a sprint. You are worthy and worth it, you will not quit this time. 2017 started a new chapter for your life, it will be defined by this mantra…….”
Be still; listen and then ACT. No giving up, you were made for more. You are still breathing for a purpose and it is slowly being revealed to you. You are enough. Believe that you can do what you are being called to do. God is calling you to more, press into Him and believe that He has great things planned for you!
That is what the scriptures mean when they say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him”. ~1 Cor. 2:9
God has a plan for my life! The whole me. There is nothing about me that confuses God! ~Alisa Keeton
If you ever follow any Christian women who have done big, incredible things, they all seem to say that they never could’ve imagined a few years prior what the Lord was doing in their life. They never saw themselves where God put them. He far exceeded their expectations. He will do it for me to, I just need to love Him and jump when He says to jump. He will pave the way to my purpose. And I am finally believing that.
Do you self-sabotage because you don’t feel that you are worth it? Are you scared of achievement because you see how it consumes some people? What is keeping you from living your very best, whole life?
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