I was mad…… like fighting mad. Furious. Could’ve spewed hateful words at the drop of a hat if at all provoked. My blood was boiling.
There wasn’t really any good reason, but I was fuming none the less. As I try to learn how to take my thoughts captive, I ran through the whole good girl conversation in my head…….
Angelic me: Why are you so upset?
Devil me: Because I want to be.
Angelic me: But you know that you aren’t having a very Christian attitude right now.
Devlish me: I know, but I don’t care. I am mad and feeling left out and selfish and if someone asks me anything, I’m going to let them have it. I will pray for forgiveness later. Everyone will get over it eventually. If I act normal, no one will know that I am MAD then this will happen all over again. Therefore, I need to be mad and let everyone know it.
Angelic me: But you aren’t this person any more. Other than selfishness and control, there is no reason for you to be mad. You are acting like a pouty baby. Stop it.
Devlish me: Yes, I probably should………..NO, I am being wronged, passed over, treated unfairly and less than loved. (And the more I stew on it the more my thoughts take over……and in my mind I bring up EVERY wrong or injustice that wasn’t ever a big deal to begin with. Either they really aren’t a big deal or they are something that I can’t control, but in addition to this little injustice, they give me leverage or justify my petty feelings).
Angelic me: Ok, be mad…..but don’t speak out of your anger. Just keep your mouth closed. This is not righteous anger. You are better than this. It’s not worth it.
This is not righteous anger.
It is not justified. No one is harming me. No one is harming my family. It’s just me returning to old ways. It’s just me being selfish. It’s just me wanting my own way. It’s just me being fearful and wanting to control.
My pouty selfishness lasted throughout the night. I put on a good front for company, but I was still so mad inside and the more I let it fester, the more unrelated junk I brought up. The more junk I brought up, the better argument I formed in my head. By the time I went to bed, I wanted nothing to do with anyone.
I am a snuggler. I love to cuddle. However, by bedtime that night, I didn’t want anything to do with my kids. I wanted nothing to do with my husband. I pretended to be asleep when he came to bed after his shower and when he threw his arm over me to cuddle in, I rolled over so it would fall off. I was prickly to say the least.
It was in that moment that I was convicted.
I heard the small voice inside me saying:
You are wasting this moment. You are mad – at the root- because you felt like you were being passed over. You feel like time is so limited that you need to make every minute count and you are angry because you may have missed some moments today, yet you are wasting this precious time right now. It is ok to be angry, it is ok to feel that anger, but it is not ok to act on it. This is not justified righteous anger. This is petty, jealous, fearful, selfish anger. Let it go. Don’t say anything about it. Move on. If asked “what’s wrong”, just say that you are working through some things. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger………………………………
Then I prayed:
God, I know that I’m not living by the fruit of the spirit. I know that my anger is wrong. It is a very real emotion and I feel it so strongly right now, but I know that it isn’t what you want for me. Help me to live in a place that I am not fearful. Help me to let go of control. Help me to know that I am loved, regardless of what others do or don’t do. Help me to act like I belong to the one who holds the future and help me to laugh when I want to cry. Thank you for pointing out this emotion as one that was very real, but that was coming from my flesh. Thank you for convicting me to take it captive and for not allowing it to cause a hardship in my family or marriage. Thank you that you kept your hand over my mouth and allowed me space to work through this growing moment. Emotions aren’t bad, they are meant to be acknowledged and felt, but thank you for helping me work through it and for drawing me back to yourself. Continue to mold me and refine me. No growth comes in the comfortable places. Please continue to grow me for your glory. In Jesus’ name, Amen
Revelation Wellness training taught me to take my thoughts captive. How to recognize those thoughts, feelings, and actions that aren’t in line with my beliefs and how to work through them in a helpful way. How to get rid of the lies that have plagued my thoughts for so long and contributed to so many hardships. It’s still a process, but it’s getting so much easier.
I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t go to bed mad. As I laid in bed that night and thought about that, I had two feelings…….
- That I didn’t want to talk it out because I knew that I was being unreasonable (and way too much unrelated junk would be brought up)
- That I needed to work this through before I went to sleep (I just kept hearing that the anger wasn’t “righteous” and to “not let the sun go down on your anger”. I can say that I worked it through, prayed, and slept very peacefully. I knew that the junk in my heart that day was laid to rest and not allowing it to fester any longer was so freeing. So I guess there really is something to “not going to bed angry”, even if the only person involved is yourself.
Do you want to know more about taking your thoughts captive? Please feel free to reach out to me! I’d love to share with you what I’ve learned. It is truly life-changing! This is one example of something that happened to me recently, but there are so many more examples in regards to self-worth, body image, marriage, parenting, weight loss, business, etc. So many areas that lies have plagued me for so long. Recognizing them and replacing them with truth will change your life. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need help!
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