Seeking Contentment | Faith | Marriage | Grief | Fitness | Blended Family

 

I’m not sure what brought it on, but a couple weeks ago as we left the marina on a charter boat for a salmon fishing trip I had a thought.

I love this.  I love being able to do things like this.  I want to bring the girls to do this. I’m tired of living a sheltered life.  I want to be able to AFFORD to get out of my bubble of my house and little town.  I’m sick of saying, “I wish we had the money to……….”.  I’m tired of being comfortably uncomfortable and I’m ready for a change.  Why not me, why not now?  I am the ONLY one holding me back and I’m done with it.  It’s time to take action and build the life I desire.  

I’ve traveled more in the last few years of my life than I ever have.  And I discovered that I love it.  I love seeing new places and trying new things.  I love taking in new sights and challenging myself to do things that I’ve never done before.

A little back story.  My 1st husband and I never traveled.  We were very active, but it was always in our little bubble of the small town that we both grew up in.  We were insanely happy, but just never had the extra money to do any traveling.  I learned to be content to just be at home or close to home.  I loved that we camped for free on state land with no amenities.  I loved that my kids just got to be kids with no technology or distractions like tv or phones.  I was very content with that period of my life.  We were happy with what we had and made the most of the little things.

I, however, always had a longing to travel.  Not necessarily abroad, but at least to different states and maybe to a few Carribean destinations.  I’ve also wanted to go to New Zealand for several years.  A pipe dream at that point in my life.  I knew where we were at, financially, and my husband was the epitome of “happy with nothing”.  He taught me how to be content with our less than exciting finances and though we were working to be able to do some different things, it just wasn’t in the cards at that time.  And we were both ok with that.

After 4 long years of trying to find myself after my 1st husband passed away, I’m finally starting to crawl out of that hole.  While I have always looked strong and ok on the outside, on the inside a storm was brewing at all times and I couldn’t seem to get away from it.  I tried several different things but none of it made me feel like I was “at home”.  None of it felt like it was right for me.  I was just very confused about who I was and where I was going.

Then I started traveling………..

I was beside myself with excitement when I had to get my passport to go to Canada bear hunting in June 2015. When we went to the Bahamas with my family for my sister’s wedding in 2015, I discovered that I LOVE flying.  Then my first solo trip (which was WAY out of my comfort zone) to Arizona for Revelation Wellness training in April of this year.  And just recently, to Utah for the most amazing conference I’ve ever been to (for my business).

With each trip, I grew in boldness.  I’m discovering parts of me that I never knew were there. It’s crazy to me how different I feel and how I’ve been changing in the last year.  It has been an amazing year of discovering myself and what I want in this life.

I was totally content in my past.  I was happy and I wouldn’t change it for anything.  But I’m different now.  I almost feel like I am wasting my gifts by living with less.   Let me explain………

When I didn’t really leave my house, I didn’t interact with many people.  I had a small circle of people that I did life with, who were mostly family.  While it was comfortable and easy……I was wrapped up in that.  Like we were the only ones in this big world.  I felt guilty if I thought I wanted more.  Like I was ungrateful for what we had.  I thought that being content was what I was supposed to be doing.  Be happy with what you have.

Now that I’m learning how to be bold, I am discovering that by keeping to myself in an effort to save money, I am wasting my talents.  I am wasting the possibilities of helping others.

I still feel that you need to be a good steward of whatever money is given to you, but I am no longer ashamed of my desire to make money.  I am not ashamed that I want to be financially free.  I want to be able to help those in need.  I want to be able to help my children see that there is so much more to this world than what is offered in the little town that we live in.

Some examples:

I know someone that is suffering from some health issues.  I believe that I have products and systems that can help her.  But she cannot afford them.  I want to be in a position to just give them to her.  Guide her back to health and give her her life back so that she can be present in her family.

I know another family that is living in some financial hardship right now because of an injury that prevents the father from working for an unknown time.  I hate to watch those we do life with struggle and I want to be in a position to give to them with nothing wanted/expected in return.

I want to be able to on any random day pack my kids and husband up and go somewhere that we’ve never been just because we can.

I want to put tires on my daughter’s car because I can afford it and she can’t.

There were so many people that unselfishly helped me when my 1st husband passed away.  Way above anything that I could’ve ever imagined.  My husband was the most unselfish person I had ever met and apparently those that also knew and loved him knew that too because they took care of us when he no longer could.

I want to be able to do that.

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale. – Zig Ziglar

I have learned SO MUCH in regards to who I am and what I am about in the last year.  2017 has been so good to me and I still have 3 1/2 mo left.  I am ridiculously excited to be on this journey.  The last 4 years have been so.incredibly.hard.  I am so thankful for the amazing friend who  gently pushed me to get involved in Revelation Wellness.  It absolutely changed my life and still continues to do so.

I met my biz partners there.  So many things have just fallen into place.  I am just so incredibly excited to LIVE again.  I feel incredible.  I want others to feel what I’m feeling.  I want others to feel my excitement for this life.  I want others to not fear the future.  I want them to break the cycle of living comfortably miserable.

You only get one life.  What do you really want?  What lies do you believe that are holding you back?  Do you have a habit of giving up on yourself?  Why?

The hashtag #livefulldieempty keeps popping up on my newsfeed.  That has become my mantra.  We were placed here to live, to love, to make a difference.  Who will suffer if you don’t live the life you were placed here to live?

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I was mad…… like fighting mad.  Furious.  Could’ve spewed hateful words at the drop of a hat if at all provoked. My blood was boiling.

There wasn’t really any good reason, but I was fuming none the less.  As I try to learn how to take my thoughts captive, I ran through the whole good girl conversation in my head…….

Angelic me: Why are you so upset?

Devil me: Because I want to be.

Angelic me: But you know that you aren’t having a very Christian attitude right now.

Devlish me: I know, but I don’t care.  I am mad and feeling left out and selfish and if someone asks me anything, I’m going to let them have it.  I will pray for forgiveness later. Everyone will get over it eventually.  If I act normal, no one will know that I am MAD then this will happen all over again.  Therefore, I need to be mad and let everyone know it.

Angelic me: But you aren’t this person any more.  Other than selfishness and control, there is no reason for you to be mad.  You are acting like a pouty baby. Stop it.

Devlish me: Yes, I probably should………..NO, I am being wronged, passed over, treated unfairly and less than loved.  (And the more I stew on it the more my thoughts take over……and in my mind I bring up EVERY wrong or injustice that wasn’t ever a big deal to begin with.  Either they really aren’t a big deal or they are something that I can’t control, but in addition to this little injustice, they give me leverage or justify my petty feelings).

Angelic me: Ok, be mad…..but don’t speak out of your anger.  Just keep your mouth closed.  This is not righteous anger. You are better than this.  It’s not worth it.

This is not righteous anger.

It is not justified.  No one is harming me.  No one is harming my family. It’s just me returning to old ways.  It’s just me being selfish.  It’s just me wanting my own way.  It’s just me being fearful and wanting to control.

My pouty selfishness lasted throughout the night.  I put on a good front for company, but I was still so mad inside and the more I let it fester, the more unrelated junk I brought up.  The more junk I brought up, the better argument I formed in my head.  By the time I went to bed, I wanted nothing to do with anyone.

I am a snuggler.  I love to cuddle.  However, by bedtime that night, I didn’t want anything to do with my kids.  I wanted nothing to do with my husband.  I pretended to be asleep when he came to bed after his shower and when he threw his arm over me to cuddle in, I rolled over so it would fall off.  I was prickly to say the least.

It was in that moment that I was convicted.

I heard the small voice inside me saying:

You are wasting this moment.  You are mad – at the root- because you felt like you were being passed over.  You feel like time is so limited that you need to make every minute count and you are angry because you may have missed some moments today, yet you are wasting this precious time right now.  It is ok to be angry, it is ok to feel that anger, but it is not ok to act on it.  This is not justified righteous anger.  This is petty, jealous, fearful, selfish anger.  Let it go.  Don’t say anything about it.  Move on.  If asked “what’s wrong”, just say that you are working through some things.  Don’t let the sun go down on your anger………………………………

Then I prayed:

God, I know that I’m not living by the fruit of the spirit.  I know that my anger is wrong.  It is a very real emotion and I feel it so strongly right now, but I know that it isn’t what you want for me.  Help me to live in a place that I am not fearful.  Help me to let go of control.  Help me to know that I am loved, regardless of what others do or don’t do. Help me to act like I belong to the one who holds the future and help me to laugh when I want to cry.  Thank you for pointing out this emotion as one that was very real, but that was coming from my flesh.  Thank you for convicting me to take it captive and for not allowing it to cause a hardship in my family or marriage.  Thank you that you kept your hand over my mouth and allowed me space to work through this growing moment.  Emotions aren’t bad, they are meant to be acknowledged and felt, but thank you for helping me work through it and for drawing me back to yourself. Continue to mold me and refine me.  No growth comes in the comfortable places. Please continue to grow me for your glory.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

Revelation Wellness training taught me to take my thoughts captive.  How to recognize those thoughts, feelings, and actions that aren’t in line with my beliefs and how to work through them in a helpful way.  How to get rid of the lies that have plagued my thoughts for so long and contributed to so many hardships.  It’s still a process, but it’s getting so much easier.

I’ve always heard that you shouldn’t go to bed mad.  As I laid in bed that night and thought about that, I had two feelings…….

1. That I didn’t want to talk it out because I knew that I was being unreasonable (and way too much unrelated junk would be brought up)
2. That I needed to work this through before I went to sleep (I just kept hearing that the anger wasn’t “righteous” and to “not let the sun go down on your anger”. I can say that I worked it through, prayed, and slept very peacefully.  I knew that the junk in my heart that day was laid to rest and not allowing it to fester any longer was so freeing. So I guess there really is something to “not going to bed angry”, even if the only person involved is yourself.

Do you want to know more about taking your thoughts captive?  Please feel free to reach out to me!  I’d love to share with you what I’ve learned.  It is truly life-changing!  This is one example of something that happened to me recently, but there are so many more examples in regards to self-worth, body image, marriage, parenting, weight loss, business, etc.  So many areas that lies have plagued me for so long.  Recognizing them and replacing them with truth will change your life.  Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need help!

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I have always been an avid reader.  For as long as I can remember, I was fascinated by books and devoured them quickly.  I love to curl up with a fuzzy blanket and just rest in the quiet.  It used to be Nancy Drew, The Babysitters Club, and Little House on the Prairie.  Then it moved to romance and westerns.  Then to Amish fiction.  Since then, it has been all about self-improvement.

I love me a good self-improvement book.  I love to learn things and I love the ah-ha moments that allow me to better myself and in turn better the lives around me.  So many books have shaped who I am becoming today and so many books are ingrained in my head that allow me to make better day to day choices.

I have always also loved writing.  From winning a “Young Authors” trip in 6th grade, to starting my own blog in 2009, writing has been a way for me to express myself.  I love to encourage others through my story and what I am learning, and writing has been a great way for me to do that.  Until lately…………..

I have no attention span anymore.  I cannot stay focused on anything for more than a minute or two.  This realization has me reeling.  What is going on?

Technology is what is going on.

My iPhone, in particular.

When I reflect back over the years, I can see where this lack of attention started creeping in.  Around 2013 when I got my 1st iPhone.

Since that time, I can count on one hand how many books I’ve read.  This blog has become inconsistent at best; non-existent is more like it.  I can’t watch a movie to save my life.  I can’t sit and focus on anything for more than a few minutes.  My mind is constantly chaotic and bored at the same time.

I got to a point a few years ago where I stopped watching so much TV because I felt that it added nothing to my life.  But at that point, I read a ton.  I still don’t really watch TV, but I don’t do anything else either.

I feel like if I keep myself busy, then I’m ignoring my family….but apparently, being on my phone leaves me available to them.  Such stupid logic.

A ridiculously common phrase in my house is “MOM…..did you even hear me”?

A ridiculously common answer from me is “what??   Sorry….I wasn’t listening.  I was reading this article or I was writing a comment/text.  What did you say again?”  And by the time they tell me, I am involved in a response to the text that I just received in response to the text that I originally sent.  And so the cycle goes.

How did I get here?  How did I let my family get here?

It breaks my heart when I look around and a couple are watching TV or are on tablets and the rest are on their phones.

Do we need to sit around and sing Kumbaya all the time?  No  But this is getting has gotten out of hand.  And I am to blame.

I’ve made it a point in the last few days to lay my phone down.  To leave it in another room.  To be fully present when my kids or husband are around.

My husband used to get irritated when we were in the car and I got on my phone.  Now I only get on the phone if he’s talking on his.  As soon as he hangs up, my phone goes back down.

I am reading more.

The crazy thing is that I felt like I didn’t have anything to say, but the more I stay off my phone, the more I have to say.  I am getting tons of post ideas.  I am getting tons of video ideas.  I am leaning toward re-writing and actually finishing the book that I started 4 years ago.

I am cleaning my house more.

I am having conversation with my family just sitting out on the deck.

I love it when we are at our camper in the Upper Peninsula because we have limited cell service so I am FORCED to leave my phone in the camper.  WHY do I like to be forced to be out of touch, but I can’t seem to do it at home?

No more.

I have been so chaotic in my brain for the last few years.  While I know that some of it was because I was on a life journey and dealing with some crazy stressful life events, some of it was also because I decided to check out.  It was easier to get on my phone and scroll.  That allowed striving and comparison to become overbearing in my life.  What I thought was checking out was really feeding discontentment into my life.  It was nothing more than whining about my life and yet doing nothing about it.  Information overload.

I am tasting so much freedom since Rev Well and it has opened my eyes to what I’ve been doing to myself and to my family.  I despise that my attention span (other than for scrolling) is Z.E.R.O.  I’m done with it.  I am going to read more.  I am going to learn more.  I am going to build my business.  I am going to write.  I am going to pray.  I am going to sit with the Lord and let Him speak life into me.  I am going to cherish this time with my girls.  I am going to focus on getting to know my husband better.  I am going to nurture real life relationships.

I am going to be present.

I will not reach for my phone because I am bored in 30 seconds.  I will get comfortable being bored.

I have never been an antsy person.  I’ve always had to fight laziness.  The fact that I always feel frazzled and chaotic while not actually doing anything confirms to me that my phone is to blame.  But the choice to let it control me is mine…..and I choose to not let that happen any longer.

A few of the things that I’ve been doing is:

• not picking my phone up if a conversation is going on
• not looking at my phone – even if it dings- when company is present
• not picking my phone up at red lights
• not looking at my phone until I’ve done my devotions/reading/praying 1st thing in the morning
• not being on my phone in the car unless my husband is talking on his (when I’m not driving, obviously)
• consciously picking up a book or my kindle instead of my phone
• consciously journaling or writing down ideas for articles/videos (doing brain dumps)
• thinking about/dreaming about business goals and the steps needed to achieve them
• FORCING myself to just sit and think.  No expectations, no goals.  Just to be still.

I am thankful for technology, but it is taking over my life and actually CHANGING WHO I AM.  That is scary and unacceptable.  I have a purpose for my life and I am confident that it’s not to waste my life away watching what everyone else is doing on social media.  That gets me no closer to my goals and it actually hurts my health in more ways than one.

I’m done.  Join me?

“I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but I will not be mastered by anything. ~ 1 Cor. 6:12 (emphasis mine)

Do you notice yourself not being able to focus on anything?  Have you replaced the things you once loved with technology/social media?  Are you willing to do anything about it or are you comfortable being checked out?  What are you hiding from?  Let me know in the comments…..let’s get better together!!!

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So many things are happening behind the scenes over here, sometimes I’m not sure which thing to do first.  So much goodness, so much learning, so much becoming more of who I am made to be.  So many shifts in thinking, so many light bulb moments.  And also starting to see a direction in which my life is headed.  It’s so long in coming, but I know that where I am headed wouldn’t be possible without fixing myself first.  God’s timing is always perfect, even if the process is painful.

As I said in the video, I would LOVE some of you to join me. Whether you are looking for emotional health, physical health, or all of the above; we are made for community and tackling big life changes are absolutely better done with others.

Fill out the form on my contact page or message me here!  Let’s do this together!

As iron sharpens iron,
    so one person sharpens another.

~Proverbs 27:17

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I have been seriously slacking on my Revelation Wellness retreat posts.  I just have so much other exciting stuff going on!  So many changes that will be taking place; both with me and with my blog/website.  I’m not ready to share quite yet, but be on the lookout…..it’s coming!!!!

This post today is going to be a video to share something incredibly hard.  Very vulnerable.  But I know that I’m not alone.  The picture that I’m going to show you is the result of a very very difficult task that I completed at retreat.  Though it is hard to share, it’s where I was.  It took putting it on paper to realize how much I carried with me. God used this exercise to open my eyes to all the lies that I’ve believed for so long.

As the tears streamed down my face, I saw myself in a new light.  I was so thankful for what I’ve been given.  At that point, I knew that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  There are things that I can change to be at my best, but just as I am, I am a loved child of God.  I am worthy and enough.  I am here as I am for a time such as this.

Watch to see my process

Like I stated in the video, we need to be the change.  People are watching.  Your kids are watching.  What are you teaching them?  There is so much more to life, resolve today to do better.  To think differently.  To talk differently.

Did this resonate with you?  What is your least favorite physical feature?  How can you think about it differently?  Let’s chat about it….leave me a comment!

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This morning I ran a mile and a half non-stop.  Then I ran intervals for a total of probably another 1/2 a mile, for a total of 3 miles.

Big deal to some, no.  Big deal for me, yes.  Huge yes!

I can do other types of workouts for an hour with no problem, but running…..that’s a different story.

I’ve never been a runner but for whatever reason, sometimes I just crave a run.  Well, I crave running jogging intervals.  I think part of it is that I’ve fallen in love with Revving the Word podcasts.  It’s like a bible study while you move your body in worship.  Something amazing happens in that space.

As I was running this morning, it was my intention to just run to a specified spot then begin my run/walk intervals.  But as I got to that spot, I felt good and just kept running.  I began to praise the Lord that I felt better than I have in a long time.  There was not one spot on me that hurt.  I was breathing easy and rhythmic.  I was comfortable.

As I got closer to the mile marker, I was telling myself that I’d take a break there.  Go back to a walk.  I was starting to feel like I was reaching my max and if I walked a little, I could run some more.

But a recurring theme from Rev Training just kept playing over and over in my head.

YOU WERE MEANT FOR HARD THINGS.  YOU CAN DO THE HARD THINGS. 

As I turned the corner at the mile mark, I told God that I would keep running if He gave me the strength.  I was feeling like I was at my physical stopping point, but I know that His strength is in me.  I know that by His power I can continue.

I just kept thanking Him for allowing me a gorgeous day to run.  I thanked Him for the newness of spirit.  I thanked Him for the physical ability to run.  I thanked Him for all the little forgotten blessings that lead up to that run.

The podcast that I was listening to was interval training and I was even able to follow some of the intervals toward the 1 1/2 mile mark.  I was able to push harder and then return to a jog (instead of walking which I’d normally do).  I was spent at that next turn, but exhilarated at the same time.

I CAN DO THE HARD THINGS

As I thought about this statement, I started to think about another term used throughout Rev Well training/retreat……

YOU BE YOU, BOO.

I had every intention of writing about these two statements separately, but they just keep coming up together in my mind.

It may seem silly to some that I’m excited about running such a short distance, not even running, really….more like jogging.  But to me, that’s stretching.  It’s me being me.  I can probably walk faster than I jogged that mile and a half, but it’s just different.  It’s a different mind game.  It’s your flesh and your mind sparring in a different way.

I NEED TO DO ME BECAUSE I AM MADE TO DO THE HARD THINGS and my hard things are different than yours.

I have been told so many times in my life that I’m strong.  I’ve been complimented that I relate well to others.  I’ve been told that I inspire.  And I’ve been thanked for being vulnerable, raw, and gut-wrenchingly honest.

I’m that one that will give you my whole back story of losing my best friend if you ask me a question that necessitates the whole story.  Probably more than you bargained for within 5 minutes of meeting me, but I will answer your question authentically.  I love telling my hard stories because it lets me show how God was there for me.  It lets me shine His glory.

However, even though I can be bold in some ways, for most of my life, I have lived in fear of what others thought of me.  I have stuck to what I thought was acceptable and pushed down anything that I thought might bring out a less than desireable response from others.

I don’t want to be the crazy annoying one that gets on people’s nerves, so I stifle my personality.

I don’t want to be the one that thinks that she knows everything, so I keep my excitement and knowledge about some topics quiet.

I don’t want to be questioned on something that I think I’m being called to do, so I just find it easier to follow the crowd and do what adults do; find a job, strive, collect things, save for retirement, be responsible.

I don’t want to be called out for the way I look or have people think that I’m trying to gain attention or impress, so I pretend that I don’t care about my haircut, makeup, or how I look.  I tell myself that none of that matters and that I’m fine the way I am.  Which is fine unless I do care about how I look……sometimes how you look changes your whole outlook on life.

I am afraid of messing up and being called out about how I act, so I’m afraid to share God with others because what if they see the mess in me?

God brought all of this out of me at retreat.  The change that I feel is astounding.  I don’t feel that I need to fit anyone’s mold anymore.  I am me.  Perfectly designed and uniquely made.  I am who I am for a reason and a purpose.  God doesn’t want me to be anybody but who I am.  He sees me as being perfect and He loves me, flaws and all.  He is the only one that I need to seek approval from.

All of this mess came out at the weirdest time.

I have loved fitness for years and have even thought that it would be amazing to be a trainer, but I look far from the image of a fitness trainer.  I felt that no one would look at me and think I could help them as it looks like I need help myself.  The thought of going down that road was waaaaaaay too far out of my comfort zone.

I knew that I’d have to teach a little session at retreat, but took comfort in knowing that it wouldn’t be in front of everyone there.  I figured that I could do anything for a few minutes and laugh it off when I looked stupid.  I wasn’t the only one that was having to do this for the first time, so I figured that we could laugh about it together.

I told you before that on Tuesday I wanted to go home.  But Wednesday……………………………….

Wednesday was the day that we had to pick a few moves and teach them to our small randomly picked group.

I was struggling coming up with the moves that I wanted to use.  I felt time crunched and a little panicky.  I started wondering how I was going to do my 10 minute teaching when I couldn’t even get ready to teach 4 moves.

But then I started teaching and I came alive.

Just Tuesday I had said, “I don’t want this much fitness.  I’m trying to keep an open mind for the Lord, but I just don’t see myself teaching fitness classes.  I am a writer and have a heart for “counseling”….lets do more of that”.

Then I taught this 4 move teeny-tiny little routine.

I fell in love.

I no longer cared what anyone thought.  I smiled through the next 1/2 hour of the workout (which eventually combined all of the retreat participants back to a single workout while they pulled random people out of the crowd to teach).  I found energy that was gone before the little teeny-tiny routine.  I couldn’t stop talking about how much fun I had.

All because the theme was YOU BE YOU.  What you do is enough.  It is perfect.  YOU are perfect.  You are a good idea.  You have good ideas.  You are more than your weaknesses.  God is made perfect in your weakness. Live loved. Love > fear. You are made to do hard things.  Things way outside of your comfort zone.  Growth happens out there.  GET.OUT.THERE!

We are all made special and for our own purposes.  If we never DO THE HARD THINGS we are most likely missing out on what God has for us.  I am a “do it myself” fitness person, or so I thought.  I am a writer and wouldn’t mind speaking, but what about the rest?  What does God have in store for me as a #FITNESSTEACHERgospelpreacher?  What if I would’ve stayed in my shell?

I ended up getting called up on stage on our last night and joined with a few others for a drumstick routine.  Yep, I messed it up.  Yep, I was off beat.  Yep, it took me a minute to get in sync with the others.  Yep, I still struggle with body issues.  But guess what????  I DIDN’T CARE!!!!  I didn’t care about the cameras.  I didn’t care about the facebook lives.  I was just elated to be in the moment and worshiping through movement.

God made each of us perfect and it doesn’t matter what others think.  We give others too much credit.  Most of the time when we think they are thinking something, they aren’t.  They are too worried about their own insecurities to worry about you.  And if they are judging you…..THAT IS ON THEM.  That is their issue.  That is their own heart junk manifesting outward.

We are made to do the hard things because that causes us to lean on God for strength.  It requires us to fall into Him so that He can fulfill His promises and bring Himself glory.  It opens us up for the process of being reformed and polished into His purpose for our lives.  The hard things hurt and they are uncomfortable, but they are so very worth it.  If we push through the hard things and do things that we don’t want to do, it shows us that we can be who we are supposed to be without worrying about what others think.  It allows us to experience FREEDOM and that in turn allows us to help others find FREEDOM.

My run this morning was hard.

My initial fitness teaching was hard.

But they were both worth it.  I will continue to do the hard things because I found a new love.  I was pushed and I feel so much better because of it.  Get over yourself and do the hard things.  Be you even when it hurts or you stand alone.  Be comfortable in the fact that you are wonderfully made.  You are still breathing.  You have purpose on this earth.  If you stay away from hard things, things that make you feel weird or uncomfortable, you may never find your purpose.  I’m still not sure where this breakthrough will lead me, but I’m confident that God wastes nothing and that He has a plan for how this will play out in my life.

Stop hiding who you are out of fear.  Do the hard things and FREEDOM WILL COME.  You just do YOU and the rest will fall into place.  Don’t hide something that sparks interest in you because of fear.  Do whatever it is in your own way.  Speaking, writing, fitness, dressing, lawncare, hairstyle; whatever it is, do it YOUR way.  You may find they best YOU on the other side of that fear (hard place).

Do you stifle the real you because of what you THINK others are thinking about you?  Are you willing to do the hard things to better your life and find freedom?  What is holding you back?

Stay tuned later this week for the 2nd post on “unpacking” from Revelation Wellness Instructor Training Retreat 🙂

If this inspired you, please like and share using the buttons below!!!

 

 

 

I am going to start this out by warning you that it will be raw and vulnerable.  I am laying out my junk in the hopes that it will help encourage someone that may be in my place.  That it will wake someone up to the soul-crushing junk that words, even seemingly joking words, can manufacture.  I looked through my list of titles that I said I’d be writing about from retreat, but none of them really seem to fit this topic.  While many of the lessons for this post were learned (read: drug out of me) at retreat, there really is only one way to describe what I’m about to talk about…….

Soul crushing.

As a mom, you tend to notice when your children are having a hard time.  As frustration sets in around a seemingly difficult child, you know.  You know in your heart, if you are really desiring to see it, that they aren’t just acting up to be a jerk.  However, the more they act up and act unloving, the harder it is to love them.  Yes, you love them always, but it becomes difficult to like them.  To want to be around them.  Then the guilt sets in.

This is my CHILD.  How can I not want to be around them?  Why do I fanticize about being alone, away from them?  What does that say about me as a mother?  There are so many women who would do anything to have a child and I am just looking for an escape away from mine.  Why, Lord, why did you give me such a difficult child?  She’s a Christian, why isn’t she acting more like you?  I’ve taught her your ways, why isn’t she living by them?  I want to love her like you do, but she just gets on my nerves.  She’s so disrespectful and mouthy.  I’m just at a loss at what to do.

For quite a long time, I have had one daughter in particular that I’ve been concerned about.  I noticed a change in her not too long after our life took a shift in a different direction and we moved away from everything and everyone that she’s ever known. She became easily angered and defensive.  She was always picking fights.  She was moody and loved to throw everyone’s shortcomings in their faces.  She was hard to be around.  It was almost like she was intentionally trying to make everyone miserable.

I had one other daughter that I went through this with years ago and we came to the conclusion that artificial food dyes were to blame.  We punished her for years when in reality, she couldn’t physically help how she was acting when she ate them.  From what I’ve read, they change the brain chemistry for children that are sensitive to them.  Once we removed them, she is a pleasant, driven, funny, confident, giving young woman.  Was this the issue with this other daughter or is she just out to make our lives miserable?

I have noticed some signs that she may be gluten intolerant, but have done nothing about it.  I’ve read that gluten sensitivity can also cause behavior problems in children.  Was that it?

She also tends to act out and look for attention in many different ways and I wondered if maybe she just felt like, in a family of 5 girls, that she was overlooked and unseen.  Left out.  Lonely.  I know that children that are attention seeking are going to do whatever they need to do to get attention, regardless of what that attention is…..good or bad.

One other thing that I’ve noticed in our house is that it’s very negative.  We never tried to be, it just slowly happened over time…..like a slow growing disease.

I am by nature not a positive person.  I tend to be sarcastic and immediately look for the bad in a situation.  I am very good about being kind and positive and encouraging outside of my family, but at home, it doesn’t take long for disease to take root.

It started with little things like:

• “Why are you wearing that?  I told you it’s too small……you look poured into it”
• “Did you brush your teeth?  Obviously you didn’t, they are full of sweaters”
• “Did you put deodorant on?  Why do you stink then?  Clearly you didn’t”
• “Do something with your hair….you look like you live under a bridge”
• “Why do you ALWAYS have to be instigating fights?  It’s so annoying”
• “Do you ALWAYS have to be so loud/obnoxious/crazy”
• “That’s ALL you guys do is fight.  I’m so sick of it, you make me so stressed out”
• The “growl”……”AGHHHHHHHH  I am so tired of your whining, _____,_____”

None of this dialogue was ever intended to directly insult my children.  It was, in my warped way of thinking, challenging them to be better.  You know that children are naturally driven to please their parents, so if I told them the downfall of their actions, it would inspire them to be better, right?

So, I know that all of this has been going on….yet I’ve felt somewhat powerless to stop it or get a handle on it so it just continues.

I came home last week feeling all geeked up and full of the Holy Spirit, but fully expecting an assault by the evil one. Any time you do the Lord’s work, you can almost expect that He will give you a chance to practice your newfound truth.  I got it full force yesterday morning.

I have been so careful about keeping calm and not yelling since I got back.  I know that is my downfall and I was determined to change it.  I also, mistakenly, thought that my children would be miraculously different….peaceful, loving, giving, meek little souls because I found God up on that mountain, ya know!!!!  Um, yeah…..no

Because I asked the child discussed above if her hair was brushed yesterday morning, it opened up a whole world that needed to be dealt with and dealt with now.  It was a full on show of disrespect; yelling, shouting of words that should never be said to an adult, throwing/breaking things, threats, etc.

As things have gotten progressively worse with said child, I was determined to figure out the root of her problems, but yesterday morning clinched it for me.  We needed to figure out what was going on and quickly.

I stewed about it all day.  I had, in a fit of anger, taken away her softball game for last night.  While I knew that it needed to be done, I was in a very chaotic place in my heart of “What if her anger is food related?  What if it is because she has some hurt in her that is manifesting itself in this anger?  Did I punish her for something that she can’t control?  Is she hurting this bad and I’m brushing it under the rug?”  I was just sad.  I was sad for her (as I truly didn’t believe that this good-natured little girl was acting out just to a lack of consistent discipline).  I was sad that I had let things get so far out of control without investigating more.  I was sad that I was failing her as a mom.

As the day wore on, I was just torn about whether or not I should’ve taken away her softball game.  The one thing that she loves more than anything. I prayed all day about it. I threw different scenarios out to my husband.  I sought advice from a trusted friend.  I just didn’t know what to do.  I was a 1/2 hour away from having to make a final decision about the ball game and whether or not she’d be playing in it and I was at a loss and in tears.

Then she got home.

Within 2 minutes of her walking in the door, she got mouthy and disrespectful again.  It was over something that was calmly said and no big deal, but she came back swinging.

That was the final straw, we’d be staying home for the night.

Later on in the evening, I made her come sit and talk to us.  I told her that I didn’t believe that she was just a discipline issue and that I thought there was more going on in her.  I told her that we thought that it was either food related or that she had a broken heart over something.  I asked her which it was.

Through the course of much discussion and digging on my part, it finally all came pouring out.  Long story short………

She feels worthless. Not good enough. Like she has to work to be loved.

Kill.me.now.

Can there be anything more devastating to a mom’s heart?  How do you hear that the lackadaisical comments that you’ve thrown out in your frustration have seeped into the depths of your precious daughter’s heart and taken root?  How seemingly innocent words, said with no ill intent on my part, have changed who she is at her very core?  Heartbreaking.

I am still working on wounds that have been my reality for most of my life.  Little things that people have said to me that stuck for some reason or another and have shaped who I am.  All my insecurities and all of the things that hold me back from freedom started with an innocent comment.  A command to perform that wasn’t meant as such, but made me feel that my worth was performance based nonetheless.

I’ve spent the last 9+ weeks digging out my soul junk.  A desire to earn love and worth.  A rating scale of how well I’m performing and how that equates to whether or not I’m “worth anything”, or whether or not my life has meaning and purpose.  I’ve carried this for years and I just put it on my daughters to start basing their worth on how they act.

I’ve put it on them that they are too much.  “Why are you always so loud/crazy/obnoxious” because I have a hard time with loud chaos.  I am asking them to change who they are.  Who GOD himself made them to be.  Do they need to be out of control all the time, no……but there are many people who are “too much” who were put on this earth to be loud and bold for Christ.  Am I stifling that in my children because it’s too much for me?  Am I making them change who they are because they are worried about what I think of them and feel unworthy of love because of my actions?

I have “dumbed myself down” so many times to fit what I feel others around me desire.  To fit in.  To feel wanted.  Such a waste.  I am who I am.  I will write more about this when I write “#youbeyouboo”, but it’s being played out right in front of me.

So, last night, we instituted a new rule.

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything.  If you aren’t building the other person up or making them feel good, don’t say anything.

Will it take some reprogramming on all of our parts to filter out mouths, yes.  Will we mess up, yes.  I’ve become an expert as asking for forgiveness since I’ve been back.  Such an important step, but that’s for another post.

I’ve seen how hurting people hurt people because it just played out in my own home, but the cycle stops here.  I’ve been entrusted with these future women and I want them empowered to be who GOD made them to be, not who I feel they should be.  It is my prayer that God continues to heal the junk in my heart and that He replaces it with His promises to me of who I am in Him.  And I pray that I show my family that they too are enough in Him, even as we mess up as parents.

Gentle words are a tree of life;
    a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. ~ Prov. 15:4

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ~ Col. 3:12-14

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. ~ Phil 4:8-9

Does this resonate with you?  Are you a hurt person hurting other people…..even if it’s unintentional?  Do you ever wonder how your “innocent” words are received by others?  If you are encouraged by this, please like and share using the buttons below!

(Linked to Woman to Woman Ministries)

 

 

Many of you know that 2 weeks ago I left for Arizona to finish up my Revelation Wellness training with a week long retreat, held in Williams, AZ.  It was the culmination of 9 weeks of at home study preparing us for the week of intensive training and getting comfortable being uncomfortable.

It was the first time that I had traveled alone and it was scary and exilarating all at the same time.  I was traveling into the unknown.  While I had spent the previous 9 weeks on zoom calls with 20ish of these women (and one guy) that I was traveling to see, I still had no idea what to expect.  I had seen videos of retreat and testimonials of it’s amazing life changing power, but it was still a bit scary.

I’m not sure how to even sum up what it was like up on the mountain.  Words escape me.  Here are a few pictures to give you an idea of how gorgeous this place was.

I went up on that mountain expecting God to move and He did just that.  I came home with a different perspective, body image, and purpose to my life.  While I don’t have the details totally worked out yet, I have a vision that I didn’t have before.

When we first got to retreat, Alisa (RevWell founder) told us that it wasn’t retreat until someone wanted to go home.  Tuesday was that day for me.  I was just over it.  I didn’t want to do what we were doing anymore.  It seemed very fitness focused to me and I wanted more of the “heart work”.  I wanted to learn how to help people remove the gunk in their soul that held them back, physically and emotionally.  I didn’t care about all of the workshops teaching me how to teach fitness.  I told my cabin mates that I was really trying to have a good attitude, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  I told them that I was keeping an open mind, but that I didn’t ever see myself teaching fitness.  I was just fine pushing myself physically and I had no interest in teaching others.  I was just feeling that I was doing things that I didn’t really care about.

Where are you, God?  This isn’t what I signed up to do.  I know that this ministry uses fitness as a platform to biblical health and wholeness, but why is there so much fitness?  What about the heart work?  When do we get to do that?  That is my thing.  

I am going to go more into what happened on Wednesday in another post, but let’s just say that after Wednesday morning, I didn’t want to go home anymore.  Things changed.  God opened more doors in my heart.  Stay tuned to future posts to find out what that was!

During one of the first weeks of our home study, we were assigned prayer partners.  This was mine.  Her name is Beth and she is amazing!  God definitely had a hand in partnering her and I together and she was a blessing throughout this experience.

We had a lot of encouragement back and forth, we were comfortable sharing our junk and real feelings with each other, and we gained much insight in our conversations.  It was a pleasure beginning this journey with her and I am blessed and thankful to call her a new friend.

When we first got to Arizona, most of us just assumed that we’d be paired with our call groups (the ones that we had been sharing life with for 9 weeks).  We had bonded with these groups and friendships had already been formed.  Most of us were sad and a little apprehensive when we found out that wasn’t how we got paired for our small groups at retreat.  Leadership had decided to pair us in regions so that going forward, we could group together and keep RevWell moving forward.

Me being me, balked at the idea and tried to hide my irritation at this.  I loved my call group and felt comfortable with them.  Knowing that I was heading out on a Christian retreat, I knew that the feeling that I was having were not of the Lord and that I needed to get myself back to a good place, but I was disappointed, to say the least.

But God.

God always knows what he’s doing.  The leadership for RevWell are some of the most prayerful people that I’ve ever met and I know without a shadow of a doubt that we were prayed into those groups.  My small group turned out to be exactly what I needed.  They were raw and open, insightful and thought-provoking, encouraging and comforting, real and honest.  I can honestly say that I was right where I needed to be and that I am blessed to have been able to do that week with them.

When trying to figure out how I was going to process and share all that happened in this training time, I started writing out titles for future blog posts.  The titles are all sayings that we heard time and time again throughout training and retreat and they have made a huge impression in my heart, mind, and life.  Over the next week or two, I am going to break down my journey through training, retreat, and what I see in my future through these titles.

The titles for these posts will be:

• #youbeyouboo – Do the hard things
• Laugh. Cry. Eat. Retreat
• Don’t look left or right unless to bless
• Let. It. Out
• Stay open minded. Be Pliable
• Pray. Be Still/Sensitive to the Spirit
• The harvest is plenty but the workers are few
• Deliver the pizza
• Don’t participate with lies (Stay to the Right—for my Rev Sisters 😉 )
• Be bold. Be brave.
• Get Comfortable being Uncomfortable

There may be more as I continue to unwind and unpack my mind from the week full of goodness, but these are a good start.  I will also be sharing in depth what vision I see for my life heading forward.  It’s not all clear right now, but I have and idea.  I’m trusting God and taking the first step out of the boat.  He will provide more insight when I need it.  I am praying for doors to open and to be so huge that I have no choice but to step through them, even if I can’t see past the doorway to see what is on the other side.  I trust that this experience will not be wasted and I’m excited for the process.  (This is so out of the ordinary for me, normally I need the end product and tremble in the process……not anymore 🙂 )

Thank you for all who supported me in this, be it with financial help, encouragement, or prayer.  It was an incredible journey and it’s just getting started.  I hope you will follow along with me!

I cannot recommend Revelation Fitness enough, if nothing else, go check them out and see if the Lord is calling you to this space.  This ministry is so very needed.  You will not regret stepping out in faith.

Did this speak to you?  Do you know someone that might be interested in combining faith and fitness?  Do you know anyone who would benefit from watching this journey unfold?  Please like and share using the buttons below!!!!

 

In my last post, I wrote about change.  About how when you listen to God, He will alert you when change is coming.  Well, my friends, change is coming.  My life has taken many twists and turns in the last few months and it’s probably time to update you!

A little background information……

I have struggled with weight issues for as long as I can remember.  Even back to high school, when I was actually thin, I thought I was fat.  I was always overly concerned with how I looked.  I have an athletic build and am fairly tall for a girl at about 5’9″, so I always weighed more than my friends even though I was far from the *fat* that I thought I was.

My weight obsession continued through out my 20’s as I was having babies.  I always got into habits of working out and trying to eat healthier, but they just never stuck.  There was only one time that I ever really significantly lost weight, but within a couple years it was back.

For the last 10-15 years, even during my times of trying to lose weight, it would just never come off.  I work out very hard and eat healthy most of the time (during these “phases”), so when nothing happened on the scales, it was very frustrating.  I always ended up just giving up.

I had one year about 3 years ago, where I worked out 1/2 hr to 1 hr, 5 days a week for an ENTIRE year.  I watched what I ate and nothing happened…..in a year……talk about giving up!  I was so done with it.  I just sort of threw in the towel and my weight slowly crept up more.  I had no issue gaining but once it was there, there was no getting it off.

I knew something had to be wrong, but natural doctors are expensive and conventional doctors want to medicate.  So I was just sort of stuck where I was.

Then I found Revelation Wellness.  I had seen some videos about RevWell a year or so ago, but just blew it off.  I’m certainly not a fitness instructor.  I’m crazy self conscious and while I can talk in front of people, leading a fitness class is way out of my comfort zone.  But a few months later, I had RevWell pop up in my feed again.  I started following their website and got on the Facebook page.  I did a few of their programs.  I started with Weigh Less to Feed More.  It was life changing.

Weigh Less to Feed More (WL2FM) is a 8 week program that combines your faith and your fitness to get to the bottom of your weight issues.  If you are overweight, there are deeper issues than you just liking food.  There is a reason that you overeat.  There is a reason that food is your comfort, celebration, peace, whatever.  There is also the flip side of being dominated by working out and a clean diet.  Neither extreme is healthy.  WL2FM goes into the deep spaces and helps you dig out what it is in your soul that is lacking.  What lies you are believing about yourself that manifest in your thoughts about your body and the way you look.  If you are willing to partner with God to clean out the junk that is holding you down, this program will do it for you.  It’s absolutely not about the weight, or even the food for that matter, it’s about the heart.  It’s about the lies that you believe about yourself.  It’s about getting healthy and whole so that you can serve others.  If your heart is clean, your body will naturally fall in line.

After that was done, I was hooked.  It made me aware of so many things and I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was right where I needed to be.  So I signed up for RevWell instructor training.  It was a LOT of doubting, questioning, praying, crying, second guessing, and talking to others.  I was not sure that I wanted to commit to something that was so out of my league (and fairly expensive), but the one constant of RevWell is LOVE>FEAR.

Fear is what was holding me back.  Fear of my failure, fear of what everyone would think, fear of giving up on something again, fear of not being “healed”, fear of rejection.  But, at RevWell, everyone is welcome.  You don’t have to be a super model.  You don’t have to have rhythm.  You don’t have to be working out every day.  You don’t have to look the part.  Revelation Wellness instructors are of all shapes and sizes.  All different backgrounds.  All have different directions after RevWell Instructor training.  Some won’t do anything with RevWell but be marvelously ruined by how God works through it.  It changes you, your family, and hopefully, your community whether in person or online.  I have yet to see anyone come out of training and say that it wasn’t worth it.  Who has a 100% success rating????  God is working in RevWell!!

I am in the middle of my training right now and will attend final retreat in April to get my certification.  When complete, I will have over 200 hours of training to be a Rev Well Instructor.  We are trained in faith, fitness, and nutrition.  None of RevWell focuses of food, or exercise for that matter, though it is a “faith and fitness” minestry.  The tagline is “Love God, Get Healthy, Be Whole, Love Others” and isn’t that what it’s all about?

One of the things RevWell offers is free podcasts.  They are all amazing but one in particular is changing my life.  Three weeks ago, Alisa Keeton (the founder of RevWell) talked to Dr. Jana Joshu Grimm about gut health.  Specifically, candida overgrowth.

I have researched this many times, but the diet is so restrictive that without a confirmation that is what I had going on in my body and my cause for unsuccessful weight loss, I didn’t commit to follow an anti candida diet.  After this podcast, I scheduled an appt with Dr. Jana.  I had almost every single simptom on the list for having candida overgrowth (yeast overgrowth in your stomach).

If you have an unhealthy gut, the rest of you will be unhealthy.  There is so much research surrounding this topic, my head is spinning.  Candida overgrowth is responsible for SO MANY of the common ailments of today.  I won’t go into all of that now, but I will more than likely be discussing more about it in the future.

Anyway, Dr Jana put me on a very strict anti-candida diet.  No sugar, grains, dairy, coffee (caffine), starchy veggies, alcohol, or fruit.  You might be saying “What’s left”.  I was too.  But I’m also ready to be well.  I’m ready to feel well and I have learned so much about myself throughout this process.  I can have meat, veggies, eggs, nuts, and beans.  I am also on a ton of natural supplements.  She also told me to stop working out because my adrenals and thyroid are really bad.  I was actually doing myself more harm by working out.

God has been telling me to be still for months.  I don’t listen.  A few weeks ago, right before I talked to Dr. Jana, I reinjured my back.  I am thinking that it was just a way for God to get my attention.

“Um, hello……I told you to be still”.

While this diet is temporary and I am dying to get back to working out.  I know that my body needs to heal.  I know that there are better things in store for me and if I’m not well, I won’t have the strength to do them.

I was eating pretty well before I started this diet and I am so ready to get back to all whole foods.  I’ve never been so excited to have sweet potato fries and apples and pineapples.

Over the last few years, I’ve struggled to find my place in this world.  I’ve struggled to hear what God wants from me.  I’ve been trying to do things on my own and it’s just not working.  I am starting to see that RevWell is exactly where I am supposed to be, even given my doubts.  Even given my tendencies to want to give up.  I have been fighting and pushing God away all while trying to “find His will for my life”.  I can’t find it if I’m not searching for Him, and RevWell is helping me to do that.

It is helping me to see the lies that have run my life for so very long.  It’s helping me to see who I am in God’s eyes.  It’s helping me to tune out the world’s voices of not good enough, fat, too much/not enough, ugly, worthless, failure. These are just some of the lies that I’ve believed for so long and they have shaped who I am.  But not anymore.

I’m not sure what my life looks like after training yet, but I know one thing for sure…..it will be different.  I am healing mind, body, soul.  I am getting free and I intend to stay that way.  I am not looking to be pleasing in the world’s eyes anymore.  I am slowly changing out my house to include more natural remedies.  I am learning about oils.  I am getting rid of chemicals as much as possible.  I am learning about the effects of candida overgrowth and what you can do to naturally reverse it.  I am counting the days to be able to be working out again and I am so excited to be released to eat God given food.

Things are just changing all the way around.  I feel like there will be some direction in my life.  I feel that there are so many out there that need this message that I will be able to share.  I have always felt that sharing my stories can help others and I pray that figuring out this gut issue and completing training will only further my reach and ability to give.  Please pray that I can finish all of this strong and that God gives me clear direction on where He wants me next!

Stick around, it’s going to be a wild ride 🙂  Please leave any questions that you might have about all of this in the commments and I’ll do my best to answer them (maybe in a video 😉 )!

 

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I was watching a training video yesterday about how to cue participants in an exercise class that they were about to change to a different move.   It was stressing the importance of making sure that you give them ample time to be ready to switch moves or the class will be in chaos.  They won’t be able to follow the instructor if the instructor doesn’t voice (and sometimes show) what moves will be coming next.  But what happens if that participant isn’t listening?

I’ve also learned, throughout the years, that children also respond better to a warning that change is coming.  It makes transition times altogether easier if you say, “10 min until bedtime” then “5 min until bedtime” then “1 min until bedtime”.  They know what is coming and have time to prepare so they can finish up whatever they are doing.  I don’t know any children who don’t get upset when they are rushed from one thing to the next, so this is something that I learned early on and it has made a big difference in making sure that transition times are (for the most part) easier.  Unless the child isn’t listening.  If they don’t hear you, you are still going to be in for a possible meltdown because children are always in the mindset that what they are doing is of 100% importance in that moment.  Again, not listening may lead to chaos.

Those are 2 examples of when it’s absolutely necessary for the person involved to hear the person giving the warning or instruction of things to come.

I have shared several times that I feel like God absolutely prepared me to take my first husband before He actually did.  There are so many instances where I look back and see that God was drawing me to Himself so that when my life took a turn, I didn’t fall apart.  This training video about “cueing” took me back to that time and made me wonder……What if I wouldn’t have been listening?

I wrote after Chad passed that I kept having this feeling to memorize him, to take the time to just be with him, to slow down and make the most of whatever mundane task we were doing.  I also kept feeling the conviction about being the best wife that I could be.  I was soaking in gratitude.  I found the beauty in all things. I even began to enjoy taking care of things for him.  I didn’t mind his messes because, in my mind, it meant that he was still there to make them.

During this time, I was also very committed to reading my Bible and praying first thing in the morning.  I would get up with Chad, make his coffee and lunch, rub his always sore back, then send him to work.  Then it was my quiet time before the girls got up.  I began to look forward to that time and it became my get to, not my have to.

Because of the devotion I was putting into consistent time in God’s word and being committed to continual prayer, my life began changing.  I am by nature a negative person.  I tend to jump to conclusions and get mad over little things.  I easily have attitude and am very opinionated.  I like to be in charge and tend to be argumentative when things don’t go my way…….but all of that began to change.

The more and more I listened to God through His word and talked to Him through prayer, the easier and easier it got to love my family.  The more I loved my family, the more they changed.

My girls became much more devoted to God in their own lives.  Chad took on a leader role in our house like I’d never seen him do.  He was also becoming a spiritual leader, which was new as well.  Things were just all around good.  I didn’t worry about finances for the first time in my life.  I didn’t worry about what the next day would bring.  I was just genuinely thankful and grateful for my life and everything in it.

As I look back, I can see how God was preparing me for change.  I’ve gone back through several of my blogs and it’s crazy to see God’s hand working through my writing.  It’s crazy to see all of the different ways that I was feeling and being convicted and how that translated to me being totally prepared to lose my absolute best friend.  I have heard others say that they just knew that something was going to happen, they didn’t know what or where or when, just an overwhelming feeling that their life was about to change in a huge way.  I get this.  I totally feel that I had about 2 years to get prepared……and it all worked out because I was close to the Lord.

I just think of all of the people who have major life events happen that aren’t in a relationship with God and how their world absolutely falls apart.  They don’t know how they will live, they don’t know how to get through it, they question how there can even BE a God, etc.  I’ve also gotten several questions about how I “moved on” so quickly, but it always goes back to how incredibly prepared I felt to lose Chad.  How much peace the Lord put in my heart over it….and anyone that knew Chad and I knows that kind of peace can only be from the Lord because Chad and I were absolutely inseparable—together 24/7, best friends, joined at the hip.

We are promised that trials will come in this life.  We know that we aren’t given an easy life because we decide to follow Jesus, in fact, we are sure that it will bring hardships.  BUT we also know that we have the hope that goes along with it.  We know that if we are walking with Him, He will give us the strength to carry on.  He will give us peace and mend our broken hearts.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~ John 16:33

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.                ~ Psalm 34:18 

But what if we aren’t listening?  What if we aren’t walking with Him?

I can absolutely say that if I’d have lost Chad earlier in my life, I would have struggled to go on.  My absolute whole life and purpose was wrapped up in him.  I absolutely believed that I was nothing without him.  My life would be over,  I could honestly see myself not ever getting out of bed and someone else having to take care of my children.  I can see being absolutely devestated with no hope.

But God…………….

God knew that Chad’s time on earth was growing to a close.  He knew that his purpose was almost finished and He began tugging on my heart and soul.  He convicted me to be in His Word.  He gave me an insatiable desire to be in continual prayer.  Because of these two things, I began to see my life as short.  I began to see that somethings are worth fighting for and some aren’t.  I began to really start to understand gratitude and trust.  I was given a verse that just kept popping up over and over and over, though I didn’t understand why until later.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Linked to Woman to Woman Ministries

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